Seen one nappy, you’ve seen them all? Never mind Pampers or Huggies, disposable v real, when you’ve changed 19,315 nappies, as I have, you start to give nicknames to nappies, just to mix it up a bit.
The Swarovski Nappy
No, the world has not gone mad. Commercialism has not gone this crazy. Swarovski has not launched a nappy embellished with crystals. I’m talking about a different type of crystal. The kind that I found in my first baby’s nappy and nearly rushed him to A&E. My baby has eaten glass! And pooed it out in tiny chips, having incurred unimaginable damage in his intestine! He’s only four months but he has decided to self-wean – on glass! I thought, wildly. Roll over baby-led weaning, in vitro weaning is the new craze!
Panic is a great mind-focuser. I quickly worked out that these crystals were from the nappy itself, not my tender lad’s bowels. They are the shiny shards that form in a nappy that is well overdue a change. Nothing screams “BAD MUM!” louder than a Swarovski nappy. I haven’t had that many in my six years, but every time it makes me feel sick with guilt. But you know how it is, people with more than two kids – you’re kind of busy and distracted and you can’t be 100% sure whether the baby has recently been changed. Or, without looking, whether you are wearing your slippers in the car to school or some more acceptable footwear.
The “John The Baptist” Nappy
This is the nappy you change just before you leave the house. The one you take off just before the bath. The one you deal with before you switch into pants for another day of potty training. This nappy has a poo in it. You are chuffed. You caught it – HA! But that is where you are wrong, my friend. This is not the real pooey nappy. This is just the nappy that tells you the real pooey nappy is coming – if only you’d listen. The main event without fail comes within the following 15 minutes. When you are on the M25 with no services for 50 gridlocked miles. Or when your baby has just loaded all his toys into the bath. Or when your toddler is in his tennis lesson. Wearing white shorts.
The Last Nappy
It’s hard to pinpoint the last nappy. And what would you do if you could? Baby’s first babygro framed on your wall – all well and cute. Baby’s last nappy behind glass? Not so much. Chances are, it would just be a wee-ey one, as if you’re that close to full potty trainage, poos will be occurring behind the sofa now. But still, a slightly bulgy, yellowing nappy above the fireplace? Not a common memento. Yet it is a huge landmark! I am probably 18 months away from my Last Ever Nappy. But I’m already counting down. It used to be in a "happy, no-more-nappies!" way. But now, it’s in a rather sad and sobb-y way as I see it as my very last link to babyhood. Yes, my handbag will be small and empty – but, I fear: so will my life. An attack of severe Last-Baby-Syndrome, I acknowledge – but if it gets me through changing the next 2,000 nappies with the love they deserve, it can’t be all bad.
For more “my baby’s growing up” humour / wailing, looky here:
If you liked this, you can subscribe to receive future posts on the right-hand side of my home page. I post once, sometimes twice, a week, so not too many to delete.