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Wednesday, 21 May 2014

The Swarovski Nappy


Seen one nappy, you’ve seen them all? Never mind Pampers or Huggies, disposable v real, when you’ve changed 19,315 nappies, as I have, you start to give nicknames to nappies, just to mix it up a bit.

The Swarovski Nappy

No, the world has not gone mad. Commercialism has not gone this crazy. Swarovski has not launched a nappy embellished with crystals. I’m talking about a different type of crystal. The kind that I found in my first baby’s nappy and nearly rushed him to A&E. My baby has eaten glass! And pooed it out in tiny chips, having incurred unimaginable damage in his intestine! He’s only four months but he has decided to self-wean – on glass! I thought, wildly. Roll over baby-led weaning, in vitro weaning is the new craze!

Panic is a great mind-focuser. I quickly worked out that these crystals were from the nappy itself, not my tender lad’s bowels. They are the shiny shards that form in a nappy that is well overdue a change. Nothing screams “BAD MUM!” louder than a Swarovski nappy. I haven’t had that many in my six years, but every time it makes me feel sick with guilt. But you know how it is, people with more than two kids – you’re kind of busy and distracted and you can’t be 100% sure whether the baby has recently been changed. Or, without looking, whether you are wearing your slippers in the car to school or some more acceptable footwear.

The “John The Baptist” Nappy

This is the nappy you change just before you leave the house. The one you take off just before the bath. The one you deal with before you switch into pants for another day of potty training. This nappy has a poo in it. You are chuffed. You caught it – HA! But that is where you are wrong, my friend. This is not the real pooey nappy. This is just the nappy that tells you the real pooey nappy is coming – if only you’d listen. The main event without fail comes within the following 15 minutes. When you are on the M25 with no services for 50 gridlocked miles. Or when your baby has just loaded all his toys into the bath. Or when your toddler is in his tennis lesson. Wearing white shorts.

The Last Nappy

It’s hard to pinpoint the last nappy. And what would you do if you could? Baby’s first babygro framed on your wall – all well and cute. Baby’s last nappy behind glass? Not so much. Chances are, it would just be a wee-ey one, as if you’re that close to full potty trainage, poos will be occurring behind the sofa now. But still, a slightly bulgy, yellowing nappy above the fireplace? Not a common memento. Yet it is a huge landmark! I am probably 18 months away from my Last Ever Nappy. But I’m already counting down. It used to be in a "happy, no-more-nappies!" way. But now, it’s in a rather sad and sobb-y way as I see it as my very last link to babyhood. Yes, my handbag will be small and empty – but, I fear: so will my life. An attack of severe Last-Baby-Syndrome, I acknowledge – but if it gets me through changing the next 2,000 nappies with the love they deserve, it can’t be all bad.

*The Nappy Calculator*

Interested in how I reached my nappy total?

I guesstimate a child goes through 7,290 nappies.

This is based on being potty trained at two and a half and wearing one nappy per night for another year after that, starting at 12 per day for a newborn, dropping to 6 per day for a toddler. It isn’t exact, and doesn’t account for days like a friend of mine recently had, where she had to change her baby daughter 24 times in one day…

Quite a strong argument for washable nappies, that. She says guiltily.


For more “my baby’s growing up” humour / wailing, looky here:

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17 comments:

  1. Great post! We had crystal nappies with our first and everyone has had a baptism nappy! x

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  2. That baptist bastard catches me out every day before we leave the house… *rolls eyes* lol xx

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  3. I had a Baptist yesterday. Not to be beaten, the 3 year old had a go too, wetting himself in the car seat. Awesome. But I have a disgusting secret to reveal, I actually like the smell of my baby's widdly nappies, just a little bit... It must be an animalistic evolutionary thang, or am I just grim? Whatever, it'll make me sad about her last nappy too. Great post. x

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  4. Why oh why did I start reading this while chowing down on humous and cracker bread de-li-cious. But a very very funny post... and that Baptist nappy is a trickster if ever there was one! X

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  5. Me and the hub were terrified by the shards in nappies. The worst are my girls pull ups. Jeez. They are like a second skin come morning time. I weirdly get sad about the ending of nappies. Sob. But not shit up my nails xxx

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  6. Love this post, had me laughing out loud! Why is it whenever you're ready to leave the house there's a poop explosion... there's something about the carseat I think haha xx #sharewithme

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  7. Very funny. I love the Swarovski nappy - my lot had far more of those than is healthy for any child....particularly my third baby but that was par for the course! Very clever post :) x

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  8. i fear this too and I am right there with you on the last baby syndrome starting already. As each milestones surpasses us I keep thing it's the last of everything stop please stop growing up so fast. Last nappy that would be funny framer but gross and things would start to grow on it. But you are so right it's hard to let go on the last of it all. I am far from my last diaper as Buba is only potty training during the day and I fear Missy Moo as at least 18 more months in her maybe a little less if she is a quicker learner. hahaha But the empty diaper bag and returning to handbag should be a great step but it indeed will come with some sadness too. Lovely post. I love your blog it's inspiring and always funny. Thank you ever so much for linking up to Share With Me. #sharewithme

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  9. Haha fab post! I've only ever seen the crystals once, when I mistakenly put a disposable in the washing machine... yuk!
    x

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  10. Ha ha, you always make me laugh so much... I started reading feeling horrified that your poor baby had swallowed glass, and then giggled at the thought of how many such nappies I had changed over the years. Overdue nappies is what we do here! We have had all of those types of nappies although only one of ours has had the last nappy so far. I remember it really clearly actually. Hubby made him wear a nappy for a long journey over a year after he had stopped wearing nappies ... He had decided that he would not stop to let us go to the toilet (surprised he didn't suggest I wear a nappy myself!). x Mel

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  11. Next time around, i think i will be tempted to i've re-usable nappies a go! Pampers are going downhill! Keep falling apart""

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    1. Don't be tempted! I lived through the endless buckets of nappies being soaked overnight and wrung out in the morning before having to be washed. Time consuming...revolting...sore hands...forget it!

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  12. I've never had a Swarovski nappy, feel left out!. But we have had our share of poo-nami's! We had a shocking Code Brown in Tesco's once that necessitated new clothes foe me and Baby! x

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    1. Oh my goodness, that was a Code Brown indeed! Love it when it seeps on to your own clothes.x

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  13. I pointed out to my hubby that Ethan had his last nappy just a few months ago. Neither of us had noticed. Isn't it odd how the bastards just creep out of your life like the money-grabbing, constantly failing, landfill-filling bastards they are?

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  14. hello I want to buy a Crystal Jewelry found here seems pretty good, do not know to pick the help of everyone to the point.
    swarovski-charms

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